Issues. It’s about to get deep yo.

Why do I run?  Why do I train to run races? What the heck is this all about anyway???  Well imma gonna tell ya…

I first started running out of sheer heartache and pain.  With no other means to escape, I ran.  Ran away. Figuratively of course.
I had a young child at an early age, a terrible divorce (which has it’s own sad story but I won’t get into that) with a trail of not so healthy, hazordous relationships.  Including one horrendous one by which I was not only lied to but totally decived on every level…but I won’t go into that either.  I just wanted to be loved. By someone. Anyone. My father wasn’t in the first part of my life. So I begged for acceptance. (He has made a wonderful effort since my 20s to be apart of my life which has been answer to prayer!) Spent many nights crying myself to sleep from lonliness, heartache and pain. I felt that I was the most worthless human being on the face of the planet. I didn’t go to college, felt like a dummy who was no good at anything, felt like a complete failure at motherhood, made terrible decisions (still do that on occasion…but I chalk that up to being human) both relationaly and finacially, never finished any kind of project (think MaryKay cosmetics failure.ugh.) …. One day I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and went out for a run. It was an angry run I believe. I was what my sister would call, a “hot mess”…. I was angry for being a total wreck. Angry for being lied to, cheated on, taken advantage of…I was ticked. And then I got this incredible high like nothing else. God was talking to me. Reminding me of the strength I held inside.
So I signed up for the Reindeer Run 5k. And then I trained with whatever time and resources I had to work with.  I checked out running books from the library and researched all I could.
For the first time in my life I had began a project and finished it to the end. And it felt AMAZING to cross that finish line!!  I had accomplished SOMETHING.  Of course the Lord is the only one to completely fill a void in life. I believe He strengthens me by the power He sustains in my legs, lungs and heart.
Why did I choose now to bring this all up?  Because as I find myself less than 48 hours away from my first 10k, I’m feeling like a nervous wreck.  I keep questioning myself.  Doubting myself. So by questioning myself I decided I needed to go back to the basics.
Why do I run?
I started running because it freed me from pain. It gave me confidence.  Because it renews my spirit. 
I’m not a serious athlete. But I’m serious about my faith. And that’s where my perspective needs to be.  Not on winning a medal (although one day that would totally be cool!) or being a hard core allstar runner. But on being the mother God’s called me to be. Being the woman I need to be to change my little corner of this world.
I will race on July 4th in honor of a friend and all those who fight for our freedom. I will run because God has blessed me with two healthy strong legs. I will smile because my family will be there to cheer me on in love. This my friends…is what it truly means to run.
Freedom. Strength. Confidence.

Why do you run?


One thought on “Issues. It’s about to get deep yo.

  1. I think the best of us well like that sometimes and it is amazing that you found such a productive outlet for your feelings.You are a great mother and I do not know why you would ever question yourself on that. You are really an inspiration for others and I know that you will do fantastic tomorrow!

Tell me what you really think...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s